Happy New Year!

End of year 2011, and I am on a massive headache attack after staying home lounging on the couch with the tele on. I just have to write my thoughts down or a rundown of events happening in my life.

The Good, I finally found my own footing in what I want to do with myself, I needed motivation, inspiration and some push to help me realize that I'm not all that afterall; Manage to find a few new and rekindle of old friendships, that surprises me in more ways than one; overall it's just a good year to have the taste of life.

The Bad, Bad at managing finances; Constantly changing my mind, even women change their panties needs 5 minutes; Incessant rants once in a while on "special occasion"; Self-Destruct alcohol addiction

List of to do things in year 2012:

1) Get to the gym more often / Achieve manageable goals
2) Stop Complaining
3) Learn to love myself

Looking forward to new year.

Asian Samantha

It does not matter much to me, but it seems I've been lopsided in my own self. The best thing is I'm numb from this process. A price to pay for being careless. I wonder why guys are being guys, can't they fuck like Samantha Jones? Or can't I be like her? I bet it was never meant to be, more so I'm missing my soul. Am I self destructing myself with the vices I've done? The last laugh is beyond me.

King Of Anything

Revelation comes at the most unprecedented hour, it hits you, blindly. I was at my 4th Bintang beer while watching tourists, with their bodies tanned to bronze, disgusting sights of old people with their asses hanging out for the world to see, the annoying screams of children humming like the bees in the vicinity. There I was relaxing at the patio of the restaurant puffing away the last 4 sticks of Malboro.

Thinking and contemplating, this trip was suppose to be a bonding outing with friends, regardless without them, my life would be a total dull. I'm grateful that my huge feet is standing at the Callego beach, infamous for its "Beach Boys" prostitution and I'm salivating just by thinking of it. I'm 26 years old, fresh out of the oven and earning a mere RM 2K plus monthly, still I am not satisfied with myself.

I hate it when emotions start stirring at the moment, this particular feeling lingers and I could not help but laughed at myself. A mockery some might say that most of my self-bashing are just insecurities nested in the darkest of places in my heart. Then the next thing I knew, my cheeks are wet. I said to myself,

"I want to fall in love again"

I finally found someone whom I fancied, maybe it was just the beer, but I could not stop thinking about him. Then again, I wouldn't know how he truly felt, but I really hope to start something beautiful with him. While sipping, crying and laughing, I've made some resolutions and make peace with myself, throwing out the old demons and replaced them with clarity. Maybe it was the temples, or maybe I'm trying too hard to be Elizabeth Gilbert, but I want him.

Cancerous Signs

What is it with people being so philosophical in their daily lives? Day after day, there are hidden rules that somewhat dictate what a person should/should not do. I'm ranting, I'm tired and frankly I lost faith in myself. It such passe to say, at such a stage in my life I'm still surrounded by insecurities caused none other than myself.

I beginning to think I'm becoming more and more vulnerable where my feelings, anger, frustrations are beginning to show throughout my current life. Impatient with things, dubious of thoughts, sometimes I wonder if I'm worth on anyone's list.

An empty hollow shell, void traces of human sincerity. Farce!

Yeah 3x

Whatever it may be, it doesn't concerns me anymore, that's the motto of my life at the moment, finally cleared up all the junk been affecting my life, now I'm less with a burden, the least I can do is to be happy for today is Monday, the start of the week and,

"I don't give a FUCK"

=)

Rabbit Heart

Many things are amiss for the past few days, picking up pieces of myself left all over, I found myself tucked in a scenery of the picture taken, the cyan hue sky with soft waves hitting the pristine white rocks, enjoying the sunset rays with silhouette of small islands in the vicinity . It was the happiest moment of my life and I couldn't ask for more, but what went wrong?

"Love Always, B.B"
I was staring at the computer screen blankly and ask myself what am I doing, writing this long letter, which somehow now tucked away in the archives for the longest time. Dug it out, reading it again to be sure but I just could not muster the strength to press the "Send" button. It was hard for me as my heart aches the minute I wrote the opening letter.

Maybe it's just a phase, but it's too long, too damn long. A second chance seems out of the equation, perhaps it was meant to be.

Single & Bitter

It is time for that moment of thoughts again, thinking with our articulate left brain for answers.

Touche! It's right in front of you.

The Talk

There is always 2 sides of a coin, God of Janus, two headed snake, Siamese twins. Two differing thoughts and views. The odd combination of pain & pleasure, feelings & dilemmas which engulf in this humble soul. The complexity of characterization that pique interest, odd questions of the night.

I can't remember how I have gotten myself at this stage, I've created a monster, the never ending greed, the need to be in the limelight, I think I have broken my own vows not to be air-headed. It started with that conversation that shouldn't have happen, it was inevitable because I need that little more extra, but still it gets into me so easily that I have repeated again the same old mistakes - which shouldn't have been in the first place.

Reality are always there at the horizon, disguise itself with a field of flowers stretched beyond imagination, hello old friend, for now, I need to forget you and concentrate on this fragile soul, yearning for a stronger soul to swift me away into a never ending dream.

It's A Man's Man's Man's World

For all the things in the world, I found peace with myself by spewing poison from my lips. It's an addictive trait by cursing people who are so up there in their heads, you have only one thing to do-

Ignore Them.

Though it's easier said than done, I found myself in the running rat race to achieve the possible, recent mental palpitations has resulted me into going gung-ho in getting all the flabs hanging around to be reduced to at least 15% this year. Quite a feat if you ask me, I still binged on food whenever I'm stress, in this case, jaded.

Still I have a job to hold on to. A job in the field I'm passionate about, but nonetheless there is so much to learn in such a little window time frame, and I am stressing myself out if things are not done accordingly, more so when expectations of being on the job is flying off the rocket. It is such a messed up scenario in my mind, that sometimes my thoughts veer off into the darkness.

Oh well, beautiful people are bimbos, agree? :)