算什麼男人

Time.

One thing in life, that we can't seem to fight. It's been that long since i've battled my own demons, thought I keep this personal space of mine in the vast internet sphere that I've penned my thoughts, insecurities and happiness.

At this age and in the New Year, i'm not really sure what am I living for? To be precise who am i living for? It seems the passing of time, we are entering the end of January 2015 1st week, yet I feel lost, distraught and unable to do what I desire the most, what's stopping me actually?

Though a lot of things have happened to me of late, from phasing out old friends, demons to moving in a new job, new perspective, new fresh start; somehow i find myself in a rut most of the time feeling miserable. It's really easier said and done where people around you are constantly telling you in the loop to love yourself.

Guess they are just concerned, but really how to love oneself without feeling all the insecurities that i have? I even force myself to do things that i don't normally do what else does people want from me?

I am not ready to be forgotten in time yet time will only tell if i'm worth anything in this tiny dot where I am standing.

Recovering Senses

I'm a meth user.

I'm not sure if writing this would spell trouble for me, but I need to write this down to remind myself and people out there that there's a lot to it in battles. I've been clean for 1 year now, and I'm keeping it that way, but like any temptations, they come in the form of a simple Watsapp jingle. I've block and rejected them but still they find a way to contact me.

I will be strong, I will recover from this and I will feel again the beauty of the things around me, things I've done in the past before meth, before my innocence destroyed by my very own hands and conscious. I want to feel happy again, about work, going to gym and be friends to people.

I'm a meth user.

I will not falter, I will stand strong, I will survive

I'm a survivor

Mind in Distress

Humans are funny, sad sod sometimes. It didn't took a genius to figure out if a person is ok and to add insult to injury,

"Are you OK? What Happen To You?"

That got me rolling my eyes like somewhere in a fantasy dream, I came 7 times with just The Destroyer up my ass and i'm loving it. Sometimes it's not the work, it's not the people, but the sabotaging whether the means are intentional or not, just seeps the energy away.

Been thinking what to do for the rest of my miserable life, by now i'm clean for 6 months, no drugs, no lewd thoughts of unsafe sex and no more excuses for not going to gym. Still I'm not happy, something is missing. Missing in the sense i'm having withdrawals when it came like a hurricane.

Help me to escape this repetitive loop. I'm tired.

Bat For A Heart

The car was silent, with raindrops making a collective turds on the car, the old wipers are out of place, radio turn off while the AC blasted full on in this cold weather. It is indeed a depressing week, with the torrential rain almost everyday, I began to think if everything that I stand for was right, if I've made the right decisions, doubts that clouded my action yet I was reminded again that I used to be great, fearless and competent, but not now.

I'm still hung up over the fact that I've fallen so far, without realising if what i've done in the past was correct, was I coached right? Was I wrong to voice out? Was I at fault at all? All these questions plagued me, darkens my soul and invade my mind that there's only one thing left to do : to give an ultimatum to myself.

Ironic, as I was passing by reminders and memories everyday that I've done so much with actual things that happen, with in your face results, yet still, I have fallen so far that i've reach rock bottom to even realise and open my heart to accept the flow. The flow that follows, never questions and never ending waiting. It seems I've made up my mind, but the questions lies: Will I see it through?