Cold Shoulder

I think I would never come in terms with myself, being exposed to the fact, that things sometimes change rapidly, whether we like it or not. It never occur to me that I would be here at this spot, I keep guessing, wondering if things happened just because of me, but what i didn't anticipated is to find out myself - the cold shoulder, whose name is Truth.

A blunt reminder as I stumbled upon a page in my planner, Surprise on December 24th. It seems like an elusive dream eroded by reality. I close the planner, unable to bring myselfto tear off the page nesting underneath the months, day, and weeks of blank brackets for notes. I can only be at this stage nothing more nor less.

Tetas(s)

A newbie in perspective is not easy. I am beginning to feel the detachment from gym for the time being, it's sad because instead of human interaction, I felt most connected during in gym, it sounds crazy, but i think the coming days of hearing bitchiness.. I think it is most apt to pump out those frustrations.

Working in a new environment, it is a refreshing change, as in actual reality, this is at least an advertising agency. I am glad I'm here, finally to learn stuffs that I should have learn for the past 4-5 months, not only it's a change, it's a fresh start - no more error writing. I am now tormenting the creative team just for fun! LOL

I digress, it would be nice just to hear less bitchy remarks once in a while, FYI only this morning, bitchy comments bombarded at me it's like the whole website of Mizz Izzy's quotes just spill from the mouth, the priviledge working in an all girl team, cheering on each other, lucky my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard :P

Little Lou, Ugly Jack, Prophet John

Vanilla Sky

Frankly, I'm obsessed with having the perfect furnishing in my room, like all self professed perfectionists, I fell short in keeping my room picture perfect. I have been throwing out stuffs which are dear to me, clothes, things, stuffs, that reminds me that I am still me. It was not easy to start all over again, but as reality sinks in, I can't help but to wonder the recent events that led me into this uneasiness of cleaning my closet.

The calender stays stagnant at the month of September, I've regretted I didn't seize the moment to reach out to you, I didn't wake up to kiss you while you were covering my blanket, I regret I didn't hug you to sleep. I was ignorant, caught up in my own world that I've taken things for granted. That's my reality. At times, I wish the time would turn, but I know it wouldn't, letting you go was perhaps the hardest thing to do.

It pierced my heart, opening a new wound that would stay forever in my soul. I've understood the meanings, the subtle meanings all these time I chose not to believe in them until that day. The day where ominous silence fills the air in our conversations, the awkward response of love to each other, even the look in our eyes doesn't felt the same anymore.

Where it went? What drove us to be drifted apart from each other? Why I can't stop myself from shedding tears under the blanket of the night. Perhaps time could only make things right, for us but at this moment I am Me.

This is my reality.

Backseat Ride

Sitting at the back seat is different when you are driving, the reasoning is simple, when you drive you only need to look straight ahead without blinking an eyelid. It's passe but more like a cliche that I am now free from all obligations, as if my wish has been answered for some reasons. It came sooner than I have thought. A definite perk of sitting at the back is getting the chance to stop and look, if not for the joyride, but the vast scenic view.

For me, it's a time to reflect on myself, how I viewed things, the arrogance, stubborn bull personality coupled with a tantamount amount of ego nurtured over time. Mere thoughts, afterall cannot surpass those of clear sense of guide, a clairvoyant as John Burdett describes it. The conscience of seeing things further from another point of view.

I'm back at square one. It's surprising that time ticks ever so slowly like wilted flower, a hell-bent days ahead without my books, and I've just finished one today. I need to train my patience.

In Mannibus Fortuna

I've thought I found a sense of relief with my current situation, seeking a fortune teller's aid, it seems I have tough choices to make, to be happy and content at the moment seems frivolous, as thin paper usually tears up quite easily. My eyes are gathering pockets of tears, waiting for the moment to trickle down my face. Despite the tough exterior I had for the past few weeks, I am no more than a weakling.

Standing here at a crossroad, I look back into what other advices that I could have taken to prevent me further to trust someone, I was really careless and stupid. Instead, I've become a commodity of my own mistakes, which spiral further to bruise my self confidence. I have to keep calm, as I can see my wallet thinning and my savings dwindle.

Calm, the only escape for me.