A-Dult

I think we would always be ourselves despite the fact we have grow up to be adults. Adults who has a sense of logical thinking, a reasonable stance in matters, decision makers so on and so forth. We will still be our little self aeons ago. To quote a friend,

"Do we really grow into adults or are we who we are all along? I feel like I am still the same person I was 10, 20, 25 years ago"

The point is do we really grow into a better person? Resolutions after resolutions we loathe the fact that a new year is coming around, creeping into our fantasies. I'm not a saint, not as upright and moral that I seem to be. Truth, I'm a douche, opportunist and a cunt, and I try to deviate that as much as possible to be a better man.

Still the same things happens over and over again. I'm sorry for myself.

The fact.

Brighter Discontent II

The last time I wrote on this particular topic, it was more of dismissing a person I thought I knew in the past. From the recent string of events have rendered me restless. Bounded and gagged, is what I am feeling now. Jaded, I think I am much more melodramatic compared to last time.

Yesterday, I was offered a job in the creative team, a copywriter, under a very experienced creative director and the most shocking revelation is I was actually recommended by my other boss. I've already settled for the fact I am not capable of writing flawless language, but why now? Why not when I needed help the most, people do not come to my aid?

I'm sick and tired to be presented 2 options all the time. I hate to make decisions like this, reluctance on to linger to the other option, yet feared of making the wrong decisions. The long nights of tormenting myself thinking, I was given a shot yet I feared them profusely.

Cold Shoulder

I think I would never come in terms with myself, being exposed to the fact, that things sometimes change rapidly, whether we like it or not. It never occur to me that I would be here at this spot, I keep guessing, wondering if things happened just because of me, but what i didn't anticipated is to find out myself - the cold shoulder, whose name is Truth.

A blunt reminder as I stumbled upon a page in my planner, Surprise on December 24th. It seems like an elusive dream eroded by reality. I close the planner, unable to bring myselfto tear off the page nesting underneath the months, day, and weeks of blank brackets for notes. I can only be at this stage nothing more nor less.

Tetas(s)

A newbie in perspective is not easy. I am beginning to feel the detachment from gym for the time being, it's sad because instead of human interaction, I felt most connected during in gym, it sounds crazy, but i think the coming days of hearing bitchiness.. I think it is most apt to pump out those frustrations.

Working in a new environment, it is a refreshing change, as in actual reality, this is at least an advertising agency. I am glad I'm here, finally to learn stuffs that I should have learn for the past 4-5 months, not only it's a change, it's a fresh start - no more error writing. I am now tormenting the creative team just for fun! LOL

I digress, it would be nice just to hear less bitchy remarks once in a while, FYI only this morning, bitchy comments bombarded at me it's like the whole website of Mizz Izzy's quotes just spill from the mouth, the priviledge working in an all girl team, cheering on each other, lucky my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard :P

Little Lou, Ugly Jack, Prophet John

Vanilla Sky

Frankly, I'm obsessed with having the perfect furnishing in my room, like all self professed perfectionists, I fell short in keeping my room picture perfect. I have been throwing out stuffs which are dear to me, clothes, things, stuffs, that reminds me that I am still me. It was not easy to start all over again, but as reality sinks in, I can't help but to wonder the recent events that led me into this uneasiness of cleaning my closet.

The calender stays stagnant at the month of September, I've regretted I didn't seize the moment to reach out to you, I didn't wake up to kiss you while you were covering my blanket, I regret I didn't hug you to sleep. I was ignorant, caught up in my own world that I've taken things for granted. That's my reality. At times, I wish the time would turn, but I know it wouldn't, letting you go was perhaps the hardest thing to do.

It pierced my heart, opening a new wound that would stay forever in my soul. I've understood the meanings, the subtle meanings all these time I chose not to believe in them until that day. The day where ominous silence fills the air in our conversations, the awkward response of love to each other, even the look in our eyes doesn't felt the same anymore.

Where it went? What drove us to be drifted apart from each other? Why I can't stop myself from shedding tears under the blanket of the night. Perhaps time could only make things right, for us but at this moment I am Me.

This is my reality.

Backseat Ride

Sitting at the back seat is different when you are driving, the reasoning is simple, when you drive you only need to look straight ahead without blinking an eyelid. It's passe but more like a cliche that I am now free from all obligations, as if my wish has been answered for some reasons. It came sooner than I have thought. A definite perk of sitting at the back is getting the chance to stop and look, if not for the joyride, but the vast scenic view.

For me, it's a time to reflect on myself, how I viewed things, the arrogance, stubborn bull personality coupled with a tantamount amount of ego nurtured over time. Mere thoughts, afterall cannot surpass those of clear sense of guide, a clairvoyant as John Burdett describes it. The conscience of seeing things further from another point of view.

I'm back at square one. It's surprising that time ticks ever so slowly like wilted flower, a hell-bent days ahead without my books, and I've just finished one today. I need to train my patience.

In Mannibus Fortuna

I've thought I found a sense of relief with my current situation, seeking a fortune teller's aid, it seems I have tough choices to make, to be happy and content at the moment seems frivolous, as thin paper usually tears up quite easily. My eyes are gathering pockets of tears, waiting for the moment to trickle down my face. Despite the tough exterior I had for the past few weeks, I am no more than a weakling.

Standing here at a crossroad, I look back into what other advices that I could have taken to prevent me further to trust someone, I was really careless and stupid. Instead, I've become a commodity of my own mistakes, which spiral further to bruise my self confidence. I have to keep calm, as I can see my wallet thinning and my savings dwindle.

Calm, the only escape for me.

Sweet Transvestite

Fierce. The one word that flashes across our minds in our own community of "nyahs", it's one thing to change from a male to female, but to emulate one once a while in our lives is somehow subtle. It may not be your cup of tea, but once in a while everyone feels the need to show their other side. The side your friends don't even know about it until now. I'm not hinting I will be a tranny anytime soon, it's just the envy of how the confidence conjures up with only one motto, "I'm Every Woman"

Walking tall stilettos, bombastic hair, boobs that filled nicely the petite shirt while maintaining that elusive tiny waist that normal girls can only dream of having. Behind the mascara and thick make up, we all know or yearn that these souls needs a touch of love. Yet with an army of lipsticks, they exude that comfort which could only fall skin deep. Perhaps, the inner diva in us is waiting for that opportunity, are you waiting for it as well?

Puss

Comfort is very subjective. It is not in a form nor it is a solid substance, but it's there, lies somewhere deep inside ourselves. Sometimes it's daunting to think about it because everyone needs it at some point. Some find it in material forms, some just express it out in their own ways. This afternoon, I was grateful to a dear friend's advice,

"Life is not about destinations, but the journey does"

That was all I needed to get myself together. It was tough for the last few months, frankly I was ready to throw in the towel today, I've already memorized all the lines that I wanted to say, I've gotten ready my letter in the bag, but that changed me. Thinking back, it's funny that I've acted like an actual pussy.

Paper & Scissors

Shreds of papers. Shreds of emotions. It's no secret that I hated my current job. I have least to none emotions left for this thing. Sitting in front of the computer waiting for work to come, while I get myself busy by helping out to cut edges of papers for the Christmas catalog. My hands are seriously in pain inflicted by the strong pressure applied on the cutting itself.

The next job is fairly easy, call up customers to ask and promote latest products and get feedback from the customers, it's not so bad, easy job, pay is great, but it's totally off from what I've plan to do, in fact, I am going to attempt Brand Think Asia, since they are hiring. At the very least, a well known local advertising agency rather then stuck in an unknown farm in Cheras eating Carrots.

Such is the irony of Life, flip-flopping between choices oblivious to the clearer picture at the end of the tunnel, in my case, a peep hole. Guess they glorified toilet sex through glory holes, it's fun not knowing who is sucking you on the other side.

:) Cheers to that!

Your Disco Needs You

Occurrences, in general really gets you unexpectedly. As if the people "Up There" are enjoying all the various soap operas down here on Earth, each examining to its own. I think real life operas surpasses that of Dynasty or Melrose Place, even Bold & Beautiful takes a bow from all these experiences.

Emotions flared, we put ourselves vulnerable, out in the open. This is the first time, I felt myself coming into my own, everything that I love about has somehow reminded me of what I fell smitten with you initially. The rush of feelings gushed out makes me realize I could never lose a precious gem, that brightens my everyday just by thinking of it.

Followed by a string of love songs on the radio, at the hours of sleepless humid nights. The doubts dissipates in the air, my heart grew stronger for a change, a stronghold to hold all my love for you. I close my eyes to sleep thinking the days ahead will be great if not better than today.

Edge of Mind

It seems the constant bickering of thoughts in my mind is becoming more repulsive day by day. As I type along these lonely lines, sitting here listening to Norah Jones on my iPhone, after all those self convincing that I've done, I still feel a bit battered in confidence; void of all necessary pleasures that excites me earlier on. It feels odd, strangely morbid.

My thoughts continue to play this game of Hide n Seek, I hated it from the bottom from my heart, and HATE is a strong word to be using against myself. I do not wish to turn into a sourpuss, or a troll who roams and shout his lungs out without any points, the occurrences of events that make me reconsider if what I'm doing is all of benefit to myself.

Would I make peace with myself? A clear mind and not forever plunged into the fiery horizons of my soul: Unknown, Unseen, Unpredictable. That is my one and only wish.

Calories & Heart Attack

Amidst the dimmed lights of the food court, tables and chairs arranged like uniform dominoes, walking Dolls paraded in scantily dresses, exposing their voluptuous body that seem to void housewives overweight, bitter, sour perceptions towards "After Married" life. A reminder of what "they" used to be, it's a no brainer that their husbands throw themselves to the Dolls peachy bosoms, a pair that is hard to resist, not even the faithful of husbands could control themselves. The wait, the flirt, the sweat perspire into lust.

Despite the filthy scenery surrounded us, I was most captivated by this colleague of mine. A girl, 25 years old, same school but different mentality, questions as why the Dolls come here to sell their bodies, further contributing to the moral degradation of the society. I was laughing inside, wondering if deep inside her soul, is she drunk on Evian. A girl, conservative as a plain sheet of thin paper.

Because Evian when spell backwards is NAIVE.

Balmy Evenings, Legion of Thoughts

The evenings has been balmy for the past few days, getting to sleep is more of a task than luxury, I would be lucky to get a shut eye without sweating. It would be stupid to search through the legion of unfold clothes as I've accumulated quite a lot for the past 6 months! Sometimes I do wonder if I am a hoarder. Accumulating and keeping stuffs that is useless (at least), not mentioning the ever increasing books lying around my bedside.

It's time to move into a new place, as it is hard to find a bachelor pad/room with a reasonable price in between 350-500. Sigh, the Engineer requested the Air-Conditioner, and for me to entice him to come visit me, bear with the cost, even though I don't quite like the idea , here's hoping he would spend more time with me, sometimes it's hard when 2 stubborn bulls decided not to budge, I gave in because I wanted to make more memories with him, surprisingly we haven't got a photo of just the two of us yet.

I think at this point of life, career is at the utmost importance , and I have to admit relationship does seem like an accessory at the moment. Hopefully the rest of the year would penned out well for me and him! First things first, I need to get back to the minor interview details later at 6!

:-)

Never Let Me Go

I heed the advice from a dear friend a long time ago, regarding on what you write reflects greatly on your emotions. I grew tired of feeling the need to cling on helplessly on my own twisted version of perceived reality. Albeit I hated the way my thoughts have penned out for me in a series of events, I do doubt myself if I am better off doing something out of the ordinary.

This perceived reality is venomous, seeping slowly into my mind, discouraging me along the way. I even make the Engineer doubt himself of loving me, once in a blue moon, the fuck-up retard in me would do something atrocious, giving off negative vibes altogether, the opposite of him, an optimistic, loving, positive individual. Frankly, I should stop, both of us are at the verge of this young relationship, parting ways was never a thought, it's an option for the both of us. We just don't muster enough courage to tell each other.

Perceived reality is also very dangerous, as I missed out on the opportunities around me, some might have fair better for me but a swift of bad perceptions that ultimately shuts the window of opportunity. I seriously have to stop doing that, at the very least stop feeling pity for myself. I vow I will love myself and all of my shortcomings, then fixing them one by one.

Young Blood

I've associated with the realms of the world, where I've learn how to pick myself up, taking small steps along the way. It's been a rather tedious, roller coaster ride, nevertheless the lessons are priceless. I rather not answer the obvious question, the scene or phases in my life. It's been 2 years since I've stopped blogging, yet i still find myself unable to pry away from writing.

Diaries of big and small, stacked together, reminded me of my life written in those blank monotonous white pages, paint across with my daily musings and rants that seems endless from only my point of view. It's just overwhelming to pick up a pen to write about something, to make a statement, ultimately find comfort within my soul. I've always felt that a person's dignity lies within a four walls of a room, in my case a box, encased unable to move out from the norm.

I've contemplated at how people marvel at things, different point of views shooting in the air, somehow they make them into reality, I guess i am really young and inexperienced. I do share the same idea of people making this comment,

"Fighting for Virginity is Initiating War"

Perhaps, I'm all too new for the environment. I'm Almost There.